Ryan Dunn (holyloki) wrote,
Ryan Dunn

Ever since last friday

I've had impending feelings of doom reminiscent of the film Brazil. Paperwork, bureaucracy, paranoia, and the constant run-around of the legal system and the often frantic self-serving uninspired efforts of political activists have been overrunning my waking thoughts, and up until last night, had stayed out of my dreams.

I began somewhere downtown, riding my bike around heading to a party or something...maybe just going somewhere with some people. It was nerve-wracking for some reason, however, and I think it took forever to get where we were going. When I got to the party I knew a lot of the people, including my cousin who recently got married, (though I missed her wedding, and strange to have her in my dream—even in the dream we were shocked to see each other), and yet I felt very uneasy and was having a difficult time feeling at ease anywhere. I think I might have come and gone a couple times, Ned and Alice were also there with me at some point. I think we left and came back where I found my bike, which had just been sitting on the back deck, had been taken due to some legal restriction I had unwittingly broken, and I was arrested as well. In custody now, I was taken somewhere enclosed, a city-sized jail (which may have been fueled by something said at the meeting I went to yesterday) where the paranoia increased, and I was constantly misled and coerced into making decisions I really would rather not have made. I was ordered to meet with a 'counsellor' who was going to help me decide my fate. I wandered around in this strange luminescent and constricted hallway where all the offices were listed on brass nameplates by offices which would have fit only the counsellor. They were all filled with scattered books and papers on bookshelves and desktops. I coul/d sense that something sinister was about to happen to me, that there was going to be a massive attempt to reconstruct my personality, by whatever method, and I nervously followed the directions I'd been given. I looked at each name placard and couldn't find the one I was supposed to be looking for, so I took that as a cue to nonchalantly search for an exit. I found one that led me out into an external area consisting of large areas separated by semi-opaque plastic sheeting, through which I could see and travel (there were small openings). After running for a bit, trying to find a sheet that would finally lead to the real outdoors, I began to hear dogs and see lights flashing through the tarps. Running some more, I made my way back through the lobby of the building I had been in, and out onto the streets of the contained city. Somehow I made it away from there without too much notice, and I eventually made my way back to the house where the party had been. Unable at this point to trust anyone, I looked around until I realized the man who had given me the instructions was at the house. He came to me and told me he could help me and introduced me to the counsellor I was supposed to meet with. The counsellor attempted to gain my confidence my playing goodcop, claiming that he was also a rebel from this system. We made our way out of the city to a small shack where he and his boyfriend lived. He told me he could help me but I would have to undergo some surgery. At this point I was under their control physically and had no options... I remember being told that everything would be okay, but that the process might be a little painful to my teeth. In the hands of the enemy pretending to be on my side, I woke up, realized I had been dreaming, and was incredibly relieved.

I don't know if that set my day all wrong, but just before I left work today a wave of depression and helplessness came over me. I'm feeling weary and lonesome lately, and even though rationally I know better—it rarely helps.

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