i just articulated my problem (or at least one of them) well, and i'd like to record it.
my issues with communication become apparent when looking at how i attempt to communicate, as opposed to just doing so. i spend so much time thinking about how i should communicate, that i end up failing to do so.
whenever i'm nervous i think about how to say things rather than just speaking from the unconscious.
regardless of malia telling me that one day that i was the most genuine person her or hannah knows, i must then wonder how genuineness relates to the ability to communicate. does my desire to be precise(honest?) create an outward personality that is very consistent, but that then cannot let the small details that make us human out without jeopardizing that consistency? or, is it that in taking my time to speak when unsure, that i then avoid blithering just in order to participate in a conversation? do i create honesty through avoidance of difficult details, or by avoiding the instinct, which may occur in normal people, to talk to fill space?
which is ultimately a more complimentary nature, i'm not sure.