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Wed, May. 3rd, 2000, 09:35 pm

Went to dinner and conversation with my hum conference at my prof's apartment. that was fun. conversation went from reed student behaviors, to discussion of marriage as a viable institution to family stories to some interesting things in between. lots of lttle tidbits. hrm...almost confesional at times...how much of the work we did over the year, etc... *g*...i think i did more than some people despite what you all heard from my dormies...but even so my conference has a reputation because among the other conferences we are the very rare one that managed to have everyone at conference and lecture on a regular basis...almost everyone was at conference most of the time, and most of us were at lecture on a somewhat regular basis...the class is mandatory for all freshman and transfers not having a comperable class at their previous school and so it tends to receive the least respect and work input of other classes people are taking. which still tends to be a bit of work, but just not as much as the others...anyhow...so that was fun...we didn't end up trying to have someone drink betsy under the table *g*[our prof] but we did get her to talk sparingly about her failed marriage during the whole stint into discussing the topic...
I've been feeling alright lately...obviously a bit lonely, but i don't forsee that being solved anytime in the near future, but there are some possibilities...hrm, it just sucks since i'll be leaving even when i do get home, so i'm not going to be settled long enough for something like what i would want to form and solidify...but like i said...maybe. : / ah well, i will be alright. i have bigger fish to fry right now. like writing my book of poetry and doing the art for it. if i don't get that done this summer it will inevitibly never be completed. so i have to get it done in the time i've alotted myself. i really am lonely. feel like i need something to go right for me right now, like something needs to pull itself together and be solid and mature and adult. i need something to lift my spirits from the sludge i feel i'm immersed in dealing with lately. if i encounter one slight bit of immaturity on my road trip i still have the option of just taking off...not necessarily in a rude manner, because i haven't comitted to anything with anyone, but i will just leave if i feel the need to get out of where ever i am. i think that includes even before i leave on the road...i am prepared to walk away if things aren't up to par, if i feel like i'm not receiving what i need to be fulfilled. i'm a helper by nature, but i can still only take so much when help isn't taken or appreciated. usually it is, but it gets so tiring. sometimes i just need someone to want to help me...not that i would take it upon myself to wear them down[because that is what has happened before, since i would let all my help needs out on someone the moment they let me lean on them] but i just need someone to lean on when i need it. i don't think i could let what i need out so much anymore, it just brings pain and suffering to myself. but i do need a soft place to lay my head just like everyone else does once in a while...just once in a while. : / wish i knew how to find someplace like that. wish i knew where i could ask to find out where to find a place like that.

Thu, May. 4th, 2000 12:56 am (UTC)
postmortal: lonely ryan

oh! you know that I appreciate and am thankful for you and your friendship. You always have me no matter what. I love you very very much. I'm not sure if that's very comforting though. Maybe you'll find the warm happy place you are looking for when we run and hide when you get back. I'm hoping to find one too. I was actually thinking about you earlier today and how you rarely lean on me for support. I'm not sure if its because you just don't feel comfortable doing so, or if you just don't want to. I think of you as my best friend Ry. I hope that you think the same of me. We'll have to talk about this on the phone or something very soon. I hate thinking that you are down and the only way I find out about it is because I read your journal. : ( ::HUG:: Call when you need me silly!

Thu, May. 4th, 2000 10:24 am (UTC)
holyloki: Re: lonely ryan

because i never feel like i have the right to take out my worries on my friends. everyone has so many more problems to deal with than my one little problem of being lonely...[shrug]...i can deal with it, i just need to rant and vent every once in a while...and i don't want anyone else to have to deal with that, especially since there is no way they can help me with it. y'know?

on the other hand it is good to have friends like you kim[and y'all :)], and i DO appreciate it...it's just not quite everything. i guess i'm just greedy[ie.-if i don't have everything i'm not happy]...[shrug]...no, just lonely. but it's very small compared to what a lot of people have to deal with and so i manage...and i don't like peddling off my problem unnecessarily or excessively. at least not AT someone. but i love you kim, and i know you're there for me, and thank you. : )