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Thu, Dec. 20th, 2001, 03:29 pm
shoppang

going t the shoppang with meena and abbie...woo, meena is going to help me figure out what i should get for my family and whatnot. new poem posted too: u

Thu, Dec. 20th, 2001 03:53 pm (UTC)
lizzimonster

I think I get caught up in the grammar of your poems.. I know I'm an ex-grammar geek, but this is worthwhile to point out perhaps. Your sentences get too long and I get misplaced in the clauses and I get so involved in disentangling them that I lose sight of the poem itself.

(example)
"The reactions and cares of
compartmentalized and forgotten strings
devious and wandering regards,
the lives of crickets and mice
feels as if fields forgotten as winding paths
through knowledge shared
and relieved of their duties
gathers us"

by the time I get there, I don't know what the subject of "gathers us" is.