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Thu, Jul. 12th, 2001, 12:52 pm
When the world caves in and all is left is the darkness of space,

sometimes it's best to reconstruct, but mostly to start anew.

For as much as I think I have valuable things to give to you all, I find it surprisingly hard to decide when is an appropriate time to do anything, and often am either wrong or only decide in a reactionary manner. This is neither reactionary or inspired.

I've been considering the separation from physicality I've been experimenting with lately, the views I have been toying with considering the lack of substance in what we are always interacting with, our bodies, what I am typing right now, the lightning outside, the trees in relation to human social practices. I think I am still baffled. On the one hand, we make no sense. People do not understand what it is that drives them, even when it is plainly obvious why they do certain things when certain things are done to them or that they experience.
Watching a softball game the other day, U14 girls, trees swaying in the background, I began to ponder more on the ways in which we differ from (and are the same as) not only other animals, but life in general. How we struggle in such complex patterns to accomplish what the trees do willingly and without conflict. Each tree sways in the wind, and grows year in and out, growing until it can spread its seed, propagating its species, being there while it is, and no more. While meanwhile we make ourselves feel needed, wanted, special, and important in our actions, knowledge, and beliefs. We play games, and take them seriously, because they signify to us things we cannot do without them. We build things we never needed beforehand, and then rely on them. Our race is playing an eternal game of catch-up.

Let me make a more clear example, and one which may bring out a more personal twist to this jumble.
LiveJournal.
I started using LiveJournal about a year and a third ago, and remember having seen it on Erik's website before anyone was using it, maybe up to a year beforehand, maybe a little less than this, but it is really of no importance. At that point, I thought it seemed silly, self-important, maybe a bit interesting, but for the most part a little bit of a waste of time. Obviously LiveJournal is something different today through much innovation, but it is that innovation which has made it now so unavoidable to those who are linked in. If I were to stop using LiveJournal, I would be out of a serious loop which my friends have built themselves into. I never needed to use this before, still don't really, but keeping up to date on reading what my friends have been up to, especially since I am not in their immediate vicinity any longer, has become almost crucial to maintaining my support for who they are. The LiveJournal game is an interesting one, because while some crave privacy at first, there are many who will give in to need the comments, the post-hunger weighing them down, and some will falter in their posting when they do not feel there is need for their journal. I myself get relatively few pertinent comments, but it is of no issue, because it is me. Others strive to make their journals interesting to the random user who might stumble upon them, believe they have a story to tell, where the central character is themselves, and the plot is what they do every day, and whether it is story worthy or not, everything is melodramatic. We now rely on this board, a place for us to voice opinions(or refrain from them) we probably would have voiced other places instead had we not had the outlet, and let others fall between the cracks, and let some of the garbage that repeats itself every day, in and out, go away. Now we have everything if we so choose. I can map my life for the past year and some because I have taken the time to write it down. I used to be able to map my life by the poems I was writing every day, but now I have begun to falter, and something is being lost to more direct communication, because no one ever seemed to want to delve into artistry which gave off more than what one might read at first. And yes, I am bitter and disappointed in people. We can now say direct, and that is probably one of the most direct sentences I've written on LiveJournal itself even. I had hoped for more from people, and if I am correct about some of your outlooks toward me and my writing, they stopped long ago when they saw I was writing a long post. Acceptable, but interesting. I think that since I am starting f for these sorts of posts, and will soon repost others like this there, maybe those who wish to read those can do so...but then, no one pays attention to my other parsed journals(w and u either...I may be wasting my time. My game is to see whether this world is worth it, whether I should be bothering to try to communicate intriguing beauty or whether there are really any humans out there who are willing to actually listen. Many are not, as I'm sure you know since most of you are above the marketed opinions, polled and sold, but they get what they want, ignorance.

We do in the end get what we want, and for the most part, the human race wants to fool itself so it can get back to what it is trying to do anyhow, survive. We know we have the capacity to outdo our programming, but ultimately we try to meld this and then forget this, and go on with reproduction and socially subsisting. Everything we didn't know yesterday, we thought we knew, because it is safe. Everything we knew yesterday, we ignored, because knowledge is about gaining and enterprise and impressing ourselves, not truth. Knowledge and truth differ in this crucial way: Knowledge is fact and ignorable, but useful, while truth requires a bit more effort to believe and incorporate, because it can be as easily ignored for life to go on the way it has been, for life to go on just being life, and just being, and no one needs it to continue, and especially not engineers, social or mechanical.