December 22nd, 2003

grandma ryan

The trouble I look for

never ends up being the trouble I end up with.

Maybe I ought to just give up.

I wonder if, with all I've done, the Church would still have me.

Maybe I'm just letting myself be blinded. Maybe I'm just too naive for all this. I'm surprised I'm writing this here, but supposedly I am. I am way too tired.

I wish I knew what I was doing, or doing wrong as it may be.

Garble garble blearg.

And, littering this space with more unnecessarily aesthetic garbage,

I managed to survive this first week at home pretty well, but I also managed to stir up some little hurricanes. Being with my family has been fine, I just can't manage to leave well enough alone when I'm out and about. Everything ends up on the escalated kick. In my world there is no chilling, no calm relaxed perambulation, no easy take. Things do not wander through my head, they are processed into nothingness while the ever unrepressible tick tock clambers over their marshalled madness. Do not stops for less than half convinced yields. I regularly challenge the very foundations upon which my decisions are made, and then burn them down around me. Ladybug, ladybug.

I just wish I could breathe underwater. I used to be able to...quite well.

Well, here's to holding your breath.
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