November 19th, 2003

grandma ryan

i've been closed and away

Everything is so tentative these days.

This is the keyword for this period of my life, maybe yours as well, maybe there never was any other word.

Every relationship I've been involved in or pursued over the past year has just caused me trouble. I wish I could just let go, fall back into a pattern of not caring, forgetting all past and relinquishing my memory to working on art/music/writing. I covet and despise the past right now. Maybe I have it wrong. Perhaps I should disappear along with all the other graduates, forget my friends and the atmosphere I so enjoyed in Portland, forget the good and the bad of this place and time, forget the ways I move through a city and how it moves me. I may just need a new engine, that or I need something to happen. I need commitment and camaraderie in this quest. This will have to linger over me until I can realistically do anything, at the moment I'm tied to my lease and my projects are augmented by the fellows who I have found to be on wave.

Really I still have lingering guilt, and have done wrongly so many times I just want to sink back into my own little hole and recompose. It is in these days that I stay up late just to avoid going back to sleep. In these days, I sit alone again, with keys at hand, and fumble forward, dreaming of another way and clinging to one I know.