October 17th, 2003

grandma ryan

why i don't post

a) often, i will interpret others' responses to me as being bored. without encouragement i am as good as mute, otherwise i sometimes spout prophetic proclamations.

b) i embarrass myself with my neurosis, these things disappear to hidden groves of ash trees. only strangers see these things because i'd rather you don't worry or toss off ever reading due to my over-analysis.

c) i discount my own work(writing and art) too often, and do not therefore thrust it upon you. these things get posted other places, and suffer the same discomfort as described in part a. again, if you're interested, please, pay attention and let me know(see my about in my user info if you'd like). i am a glutton for reinforcement, otherwise, whether i continue to produce or not, i may sequester it all away. also, i tend to disdain fishing for attention. i want to earn it by value, not rope it in with hit singles to capitalize upon or make my work pop when it needs to do otherwise. i value subtlety to the point that i will not give it up in exchange for broader communicative appeal.

d) neurosis means i also sit, censoring and preparing myself until nothing will come out. it happens more often that the reason nothing emerges is based in the time taken up in over thought, not in the holism of censorship.


-- despite these things, i am still trying sometimes. i need to redevelop my relationship with this journal. for too long i have let external pressures limit my expression. please, someone give me back my honesty(openness). i will be trying again, with another new journal to contain free form stream of consciousness writing. 8 this will be anything, and hopefully it will be both entertaining and honest. this journal has too much stigma for me right now. maybe later it will regain some glory.
grandma ryan

(no subject)

i just articulated my problem (or at least one of them) well, and i'd like to record it.


my issues with communication become apparent when looking at how i attempt to communicate, as opposed to just doing so. i spend so much time thinking about how i should communicate, that i end up failing to do so.

whenever i'm nervous i think about how to say things rather than just speaking from the unconscious.

regardless of malia telling me that one day that i was the most genuine person her or hannah knows, i must then wonder how genuineness relates to the ability to communicate. does my desire to be precise(honest?) create an outward personality that is very consistent, but that then cannot let the small details that make us human out without jeopardizing that consistency? or, is it that in taking my time to speak when unsure, that i then avoid blithering just in order to participate in a conversation? do i create honesty through avoidance of difficult details, or by avoiding the instinct, which may occur in normal people, to talk to fill space?

which is ultimately a more complimentary nature, i'm not sure.
grandma ryan

new bowie and new primus

i finally bought them, and they arrived yesterday. i'm actually rather impressed with the new bowie. just as with Heathen, I was dismayed at the samples that were provided by bowienet, and then impressed when i was actually able to listen to the full album.

also, the new primus is pretty rockin, and the dvd of their videos is excellent and has mucho live footage and other nice tidbits they put together. enjoying them both very much.