May 3rd, 2000

grandma ryan

(no subject)

time to go to sleep.

heh, funny what you find out when you talk to people about rumors to their face instead of just spreading them.
grandma ryan

(no subject)

well, i'm forcing myself to get up so my sleeping won't be completely fucked up like it has been. and i've become sick on top of it all...well, i have a paper to write but i Really don't feel like writing it, and there is a ton of other stuff i need to do before monday, including take some greek quizzes i am supposed to be making up. hrm...ah well...guess today is attempting to be a work day, but i have a feeling it will all be done tomorrow instead. : /
grandma ryan

(no subject)

ok, i think i'm going to try to manage being up now until it's time to go to bed...this getting up and then sleeping again is probably not healthy for me. plus, like i said a few hours ago...work needs to be done.
grandma ryan

(no subject)

been having some good talks with friends lately...getting some things out that shouldn't be hiding in the background...of course rumor is still viciously on the prowl, but it will never be stopped unfortunately, until everyone grows up...and that will never happen. our society is so bent on rumor such that it allows them to think about themselves in a better light that it will never go away. too many people could care less about their behavior and the way it affects people...even the people they supposedly care about... : ( ah well...
grandma ryan

(no subject)

Went to dinner and conversation with my hum conference at my prof's apartment. that was fun. conversation went from reed student behaviors, to discussion of marriage as a viable institution to family stories to some interesting things in between. lots of lttle tidbits. hrm...almost confesional at times...how much of the work we did over the year, etc... *g*...i think i did more than some people despite what you all heard from my dormies...but even so my conference has a reputation because among the other conferences we are the very rare one that managed to have everyone at conference and lecture on a regular basis...almost everyone was at conference most of the time, and most of us were at lecture on a somewhat regular basis...the class is mandatory for all freshman and transfers not having a comperable class at their previous school and so it tends to receive the least respect and work input of other classes people are taking. which still tends to be a bit of work, but just not as much as the others...anyhow...so that was fun...we didn't end up trying to have someone drink betsy under the table *g*[our prof] but we did get her to talk sparingly about her failed marriage during the whole stint into discussing the topic...
I've been feeling alright lately...obviously a bit lonely, but i don't forsee that being solved anytime in the near future, but there are some possibilities...hrm, it just sucks since i'll be leaving even when i do get home, so i'm not going to be settled long enough for something like what i would want to form and solidify...but like i said...maybe. : / ah well, i will be alright. i have bigger fish to fry right now. like writing my book of poetry and doing the art for it. if i don't get that done this summer it will inevitibly never be completed. so i have to get it done in the time i've alotted myself. i really am lonely. feel like i need something to go right for me right now, like something needs to pull itself together and be solid and mature and adult. i need something to lift my spirits from the sludge i feel i'm immersed in dealing with lately. if i encounter one slight bit of immaturity on my road trip i still have the option of just taking off...not necessarily in a rude manner, because i haven't comitted to anything with anyone, but i will just leave if i feel the need to get out of where ever i am. i think that includes even before i leave on the road...i am prepared to walk away if things aren't up to par, if i feel like i'm not receiving what i need to be fulfilled. i'm a helper by nature, but i can still only take so much when help isn't taken or appreciated. usually it is, but it gets so tiring. sometimes i just need someone to want to help me...not that i would take it upon myself to wear them down[because that is what has happened before, since i would let all my help needs out on someone the moment they let me lean on them] but i just need someone to lean on when i need it. i don't think i could let what i need out so much anymore, it just brings pain and suffering to myself. but i do need a soft place to lay my head just like everyone else does once in a while...just once in a while. : / wish i knew how to find someplace like that. wish i knew where i could ask to find out where to find a place like that.
grandma ryan

(no subject)

oh wow...that was a lot longer than i thought it was going to be.[shrug] think i'll edit paragraph breaks into it in case one subject gets old and you want to skim instead of wading through it. at least then i don't lose my friends' complete interest.

Ah. Looks as if I couldn't break it up that much...Oh well. [shrug]