She could see right through me.
Never knowing what I knew however
the view she had was of brambles
woven tighter than nooses on man.
Then I spoke to myself about the future of listening
in on the past, I was everywhere, editor extraordinaire
wrapping blankets of black runes around my pale tongue,
configuring junctions so tire marks meant I had been there.
But it wasn't important if I was the single
most beautiful thing she had ever seen.
only had to believe it to make it truth
only needed need to push belief further
So little really phases me anymore...I used to think some things were difficult or wrong, and now I just worry that I'm not fulfilling my own interests enough. I've not become selfish, that isn't nearly what I'm getting at...I just have the motivation to do what I feel is interesting and important and not really anything besides. I take care of my friends first of all, then me, then school...school seems somewhat pointless these days...I'm not sure I should continue next semester in some ways since we don't have the money to pay for it really, and also that I'm not sure what I'm Really getting from it all...but i know. I'm just letting out the frustrations I have because I don't feel competent sometimes, and I have been having an exceptionally hard time focussing for certain reasons which have to do with the priorities I previously noted, and also that I just think my attention span has gotten worse. I may consider my unthnkable and go get assessed for treatment. I hate pills, but if this really is some form of attention problem I've been able to compensate well enough for before and now I can't ignore, I may want to have some sort of help while I need it, while I'm expected to perform tasks such as schoolwork which especially here are going to become increasingly more attention and focus intensive. I wonder on the other hand, why I can focus on the criticism people in my poetry class give my poem for a more extended period, or go and paint for a long time without really getting bored. It might just be that I don't notice the distraction in those cases because I can let my distractions be part of the processes those sorts of tasks require, and i can use it to my advantage. Quick thoughts seem to have quick feet these days, and they all go running everywhere...multiple pairs of quick feet each. That's way too many toes. This is easily the most descriptive personal journal entry I've made in a while, even though it is masked in painted language in some areas. This feels good, although I don't really expect anyone to read this whole thing, I know I don't have the time lately to read everyone's entries as thoroughly as I'd like to. [sigh] well, I, speaking of attention problems, should either get back to work or go to bed...my face is starting to feel wierd and I think that is a sign that either my body is playing games with me or I'm just really tired or both. I'm tense and even my cheek knows it. Crazy.